The illusion of fear
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So, are you afraid of anything?
Yeah, I also have a long list of fears and phobias.
Fear is everywhere, and I feel like some sort of expert by now. It’s probably fear what has lead to my anxiety. If I were to take the last three years into account, I could say that I graduated from some sort of university of fear.
For as long as I can remember, I was afraid that something would happen to the people around me. It was a constant fear that was only accentuated by distance.
Oh, and I did mention the expert thing. Let’s see some of the fears and phobias that I experienced these past few years:
- I was afraid of eating chocolate for a while (you don’t know me yet, but I live for sweets — and especially chocolate). In my mind, there was an association made between chocolate and feeling sick.
- From the chocolate, I went on and got afraid of eating anything. Yeah, imagine that. I lived for a month on orange juice and scarce amounts of food. How scarce? Well, about a spoonful of anything in one day.
- Then came the medicine. I was afraid of that too, a phobia of some sorts. I refused to take any type of medication. I was actually terrified of any potential side effects. Which was rather unwise, since I had at the time some other health issues, and had actually undergone surgery.
- I was afraid to drive outside of the city I live in. This was triggered during a trip. A 900 km trip. You can imagine how fun that was. Oh, and did I mentioned that this started on the way there? This, accompanied by the panic attacks, makes it a miracle I got home in the end.
- Eventually, it got to a point where I was afraid of any substances. Foods, shampoos, soaps, cleaning liquids, you name it. Everything. It was so bad that every common action was a race against the clock, showered with panic. Same thing, regarding possible outcomes. I thought that something that I touched or ate would trigger an allergic reaction.
- After getting better and getting to some sort of normal (although most of the fears were under control, but not gone), I choked on some food, which triggered a swallowing phobia. Some months followed without actually eating more than some juice and a scarce amount of solid food.
You’re starting to see, by now, what I was referring to.
A pandemic didn't really help with my fears, of course. Reading the list above, you might have guessed that I was so afraid of the disease as I was of the vaccine that was going to come out.
Of course, now, when the vaccine was actually available, I did choose the vaccine over the risk of catching an illness with long-term effects. But I’ve been worrying about this for over a year.
Can you guess how many fears actually came true? Well, close to none.
Can you guess how much time I spent worrying about everything? Close to every waking moment.
Was that worth it? Hell no.
Did the worrying keep me safe from anything? No. Because nothing was there in the first place.
I’ve read a lot about fear, about probabilities of bad stuff happening. Everybody keeps saying the same thing: more than 99% of what we worry about will not happen.
That one percent that does happen: it’s 99% less bad that we have made it in our heads to be.
We are resilient creatures. With the right help, we can get through anything.
What did you worry about today? Did anything bad happen?
No? Then was it worth it?
Yes? Was it as bad as you imagined? Did worrying help? Did fearing it help?
It’s our nature to overestimate negative situations. But we can control it. We can get past it. If you feel like you need some guidance, seek help! You’re investing in yourself.
Let’s escape this illusion of fear!
